I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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