So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
