My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
