I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
