Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
