My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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