I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
