so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
