What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So many bounce houses so little time
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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