I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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