sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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