mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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