I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
