I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
