The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize