Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
