I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
