I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
