i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
