My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize