My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
