I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
