??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
