John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
