theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
