he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
