I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
