i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
