Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
