pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
