Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
