Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
