3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
