Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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