Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
