Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
