Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
