It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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