I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
