I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
