sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize