Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
