captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
