You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
