The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize