my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
