i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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