Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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