Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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