wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
