Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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