This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
