why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
