Will you blow on my dice?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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