I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
