I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
do nipples grow back?
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