38 yer olds are good kisserssss
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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