so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
