Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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