what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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