how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
