I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
