literally had 100 drinks last night.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
