Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
