You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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