When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
