I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
